Blank

At 4:00pm yesterday I was laid off from my job.  Jolting.  I don't have words to describe how that felt although I should know.  In 2007:

I got divorced.

My dad died.

I got laid off.

It was a rough year.  So really this one thing doesn't quite compare.  Plus I could see the writing on the wall and had already gone out and started networking. 

But, as I pulled out of the parking garage and down the street, I started crying, which is so uncharacteristic.  In the normal course of things, I'm fairly stoic and despise weak and floppy women.  That's my best word for them, floppy.  Because life is hard and nasty and rough.  And part of being in it is bucking up and just getting through.  But I cried, and I hated myself for it. Mostly it was the loss of something that had started out so promising.  Something similar to what I felt at the end of both (sigh) of my marriages.  You push and pull and give and try and yet, it isn't enough.  You fail.  In that failure we often find the future and some hope, but on that 30 minute ride home I cried my eyes out and wept in sadness for the loss. I considered coming home and getting raging drunk, passing out and taking a break.  But life goes on and I had a dance recital to attend, so I fixed my make-up and put on a happy face. 

This morning I feel better, but keep wondering if it is the change, the uncertainty, the sadness or the mixture of rage that is making me sick to my stomach.  Maybe a little of each?  One thing I am happy about is that now this experiment might be important as opposed to a whim, it might be how I buy Ramen noodles for the next couple of months. 

I'm not whining (I hate whiners), because I'm very lucky.  Probably within a few weeks I'll have another job.  But in that time it will be fun to do a bunch of auctions, clean out the cobwebs and go to town downsizing my life- even if it is more of a forced exercise.  I tend to look on the bright side of things (yes,I'm annoyingly happy and cheerful), and I am looking forward to spending more time with my kids and decompressing, even if I'm forced to eat Ramen noodles in lieu of my beloved sushi. 

Comments

[Jimmy]

Hey Girl. I am a 41 year old gay man in a happy 8 year relationship. I just came across your blog after typing in typepad. You are a funny lady. Hang in there !!

Jimmy

[Nicholas Fielding]

I'm so sorry about this. I don't even know what to say. Getting laid off SUCKS. I wish there was something that I could do to help. Good luck with the experiment, I'll continue to read your blog.
Stay in touch, and good luck!